The Postpartum Depression Diagnosis
I felt as if was going on an interview to see if I was a good mother, fit wife, and person. So I showered put on some comfy jeans, touches of makeup, a funky necklace, and my favorite brown suede coat. I have to look my best, he’s going to take thorough inventory. I was, however, greeted with a soft-spoken Irish accent, a wide smile, and glimmering eyes. I saw, again, a reflection of my old self. I explained why I was sitting in his office and immediately I felt in control. This time I didn’t cry. He asked eight simple questions. I remember distinctly the number eight. (Perhaps a subliminal recollection to Buddhism’s Eightfold Path.) Here I was in this psychiatrist’s office and I was finally committed to rediscovering and finding my true self as a person and a stay at home mother.
Two of his eight questions stand out in my mind. 1. Do you feel like you are running around like a chicken with your head cut off? 2. Do you want to hurt yourself or the baby? Yes. No. Wait. Yes. I was running around with my head cut off and of course, no, I would never intentionally hurt myself or the baby… “I’m having a hard time breastfeeding in the middle of the night.” I said. “Sometimes I swear profanities at the baby when he’s crying, or hand him over to my husband and say I’m done. He’s intolerable especially when I haven’t had any sleep. I take really long showers and if while I’m in there the drain should open…I would jump in.”
The doctor explained depression and it’s link to anxiety… he also explained medication management. I told him I believed that with more sleep, yoga, and exercise I could manage it all. But would I be myself again? I also mentioned that I was struggling to fit into this new role as a full time mother, and although I really wanted this new job I was having a hard time letting go of my career and work identity. I realized in his office that I had support from my husband, but little family support and few friends outside of work.
I felt clear about my unwillingness to try medication. If I took medication, how long would I have to be on it? How long does postpartum depression last? Have I always been depressed? Will I lose my creativity? With more sleep, exercise, and yoga wouldn’t I be a better ME and mom? How much was I willing to risk that it might get worse? How much damage had I already caused my new baby?
My decision to use or not use medication, I will not reveal. I feel here my learning to share was that something divine, outside of myself, helped me recognize that the path I was leading down before this moment was destructive to myself and those around me. It was the grace of a higher power, god, whatever you believe that made me loose control in order to gain sanity back.
From that day forward I kept taking action towards reaching out and learning more about my new position in life as a stay at home mother. I was and am so grateful for the gift of raising two boys 18 months apart. This is my journey.
[…] A Mother Sojourn's blog, she shares the experience of her postpartum depression diagnosis and how it felt when things first started going […]