Pop up. Oh. Forgot to put my right foot heal down. Can’t.  Stand up. Balance. Still squatting all the way in. Okay. Ready for flat foot. Nope. Not it. Splash.

Pop up. Back heavy. Splash.

Pop up. Stay soft in the knees. Almost. Splash.

Pop up. Ride the wave all the way in, the beginner board can take it. Glide. Feet like a yogi mountain pose. SMILE. Dad did you see that? YES!

Pop up. Splash.

Pop up. Feet not in the red zone. Splash

Paddle paddle paddle. Miss.

Paddle paddle paddle. Sunk board.

Paddle paddle paddle. Ok. Not that one. Paddle paddle paddle. This one?

The only way to get better at surfing. Keep surfing.

Friday evening

In the afternoon we have a birthday party. Swimming, cupcakes and then to family fun night at the YMCA. Complete with a bounce house, face painting, cookies and a gym full of obstacles and balancing acts. Tired bodies pile into the car and I am skeptical about how I will work magic and make dinner with the little food I have in the fridge on a Friday. So I adventure to what the boys call the big E, that’s what we call that fast food restaurant we’ve rarely been.
“Where are we going Mom?” I decline to tell them the real name.
“The big E.”
“It’s not an E, Mom, it’s an M. The big yellow M.”
Now that Asher is in Kindergarten, he clearly knows I am wrong.
“Yes, the Big yellow M.” I respond.
“Can we go in?” they ask.
“No, we’ll go through the drive through,” They don’t want to eat there. In fact, I list the menu and they choose, nothing. So I say “they have meals with toys!”
“Okay!”

“Mom, what’s this brown thing?
“I don’t like the special sauce.”
“Asher, LOOK we have HAMSTERS!” (They aren’t hamsters, they are Alvin surfing from Alvin and the chipmunks.)

My friend, our babysitter, tells me the above story is a testament of how well and healthy the boys eat. I smile. They are also a little (not too far) removed from the material world. I think so too. Although, Asher did tell me the other day from the living room after seeing a commercial that…. “Mom! Mom! Did you know there is going to be black ice this winter? You need to buy salt to melt it. I’m serious!…Oh and can we get this doll for Kendall?, It spins, dances and sings, I think she’d really LIKE it.” But when asked what the boys wanted for Christmas they just responded “a Christmas tree.”

Saturday morning
We awake at dawn. The boys are so much longer and they leap into bed with their baby dolls, each named “baby” in one hand and a fist full of matchbox cars in the other. The sun rises to meet our bodies all snuggled together in my bed. I’m sandwiched in between everyone. We snuggle and hide, talk about our dreams, or bad dreams if we had any. I try and get a few more winks. But this morning is Saturday. So we are destined to take our time and play. All together. We make breakfast, waffles, eggs. No rush to get out the door. We bake. We finish up a few holiday painting crafts and then we get dressed. I clean up dishes in the sink and watch the boys independently play in the living room.

“Finn, please don’t waste the tissues.” I instruct as he pulls them out of the box. One of the many reasons I don’t buy tissues. But I splurged. He is wrapping up his “burritos.”
“Finn, can you use clothe napkins? We don’t want to waste paper.”
“Yeah, FINN! Asher scolds, we need OXYGEN!”
There’s a dramatic pause…. (pause, pause, pause) What does he mean? I wait some more.
“Because trees are being cut down to make them!”

After some time I am beckoned to join the boys’ games. Asher has found a game he’d like to play with a balloon and Finn has set up a “Tai Chi Yo” game. Then I receive the official invitation. Finn has a hand-made knit orange scarf I made wrapped around his waste. I follow Finn into the living room, he takes off his orange belt and puts it around me and then has me stand with my two feet at little orange plastic place markers “Tai Chi Yo!” he smiles at me. He lifts his leg, I lift mine. It’s a game of balance. Sound familiar? I copy his instruction, we do some stretching, laughing at Mom’s crazy moves, and then Asher joins in. I then take the lead and ask everyone to sit on their square pillow, everyone puts on a hat (Asher’s suggestion) we hold hands, and we close our eyes. “Imagine we are all floating into the sky…” Finn puts us in a hot air balloon and Asher tells us we jump out with parachutes. We outstretch our arms and float down down down to the grown and tumble into a ball. “You safe, Mom?” asks Asher as he sees me in fetal position. “Great!” I respond. We lift up again and now it’s time for Asher’s game. We keep the balloon up in the air around the living room, using our feet, hands, head and we dive, tap, toss. The game could go on forever but Beep beep beep. The chocolate, walnut banana bread we made earlier in the morning. It’s only 9am. Good morning.

Saturday Afternoon
We drive to a new school friend’s house for holiday cookie decorating. Lots of frosting and layers of sprinkles, gum drops, nerds, and candy canes later we drive home. No nap.

Saturday Evening
“Finn you can’t have your new shoes in the tub”
“Why? The lady said they were water proof.”
“Well at least you took the linings out.”
I take the shoes out, I will stuff them with paper towels. Finn turns, slides down his scuba mask and dives for more treasure and sea creatures.

I am present. I don’t want to be anywhere else.  I am awake. My little creatures of the present moment remind me to live with grace, intention, and to give. For it is in giving that we receive.

The holiday season is upon us.

And it’s as simple as that.

For all that you bring today to the Thanksgiving table.

We are thankful for you.

The Tiger by William Blake

TIGER, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of the heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And water’d heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

We alternate who gets to go first. Once we decide we start the timer. 3 minutes. Snuggle. Cuddle. Review the day. Share our gratitude. Make amends. Hug. Kiss. (insert  sound of timer) Cover a child with blanket. Hug. Kiss. Maybe two more kisses and more hugs.

Switcheroo.

Snuggle. Cuddle. Review the day. Share our gratitude. Make amends. Hug. Kiss. (insert  sound of timer) Cover a child with blanket. Hug. Kiss. Maybe two more kisses and more hugs.

ZZZZZZ

Sweet dreams.

A:  ”A Tee-Pee is a tower that you can go inside.”
F: “A Tee-Pee, a pee pee, a tee pee, a pee pee. It’s an e i o, and an n n i o e e.

*************************

“Mom, it’s time to go in. It’s cold and wet and getting really dark outside,” says Finn peaking around the corner by the front door.” I’m still on the front lawn. I whine, “OOOO Kaaaay.” We are soaked through. We spend at least 2 hours outside in the rain.  I had been planning for days to build a tee pee on the front lawn with the felled trees from the pre-Halloween wet and heavy snow storm that broke large maple tree limbs. With a hand saw and some woman strength I broke off branches to reveal the long limbs that became the frame of my tee pee sculpture.  The boys wanted to play with the saw only and once I put the kibosh on saw playing, they wanted nothing to do with helping me. So, in the cold wet rain they chased each other on their bicycles, around and around they went splashing in puddles getting completely soaked.  I couldn’t stop building, snap and cracking, sawing, placing, thinking, strategy.. heavy limb here and a light one there, lift, support, memory and meditation.  ZOOoom. They were riding circles around me. Giggling. Laughing. I kept asking if they wanted to join me, but they really had no interest.

Our neighbor’s car drove into their driveway. Swish swash went their wipers.

“Hi!” I called. “We’re building a tee pee.” I waved as they jumped out of their car.

“You guys are crazy,” called the mother. The kids ran inside for shelter. It’s not snowing, I thought to myself, it’s raining and cold, but it’s not freezing and unless it’s unbearable I plan on playing outside for as long as I can. I thought for sure the eldest son would come running out to help me. Nope. This was to be my creation today.

Beautiful memories of my childhood streamed into consciousness.

Build a Tee Pee. (a work in progress)

Build a structure of strength from broken limbs
Wrap the crown with orange and red
Seek a mast for my life’s ship with navy boys

Medicinal meditation

F: “I want to write. I love you, Asher.”

M: “Anything else you want to say?”

F: “And. I even love my Momma. And I love my brother.”

M: “Who else do you love?”

F: “Grammy and Grampa, Mommy, Mamie and PapaBob, and Dad…”

M: “What is love?”

F: “A thing where you just hug around. Love is hugging. I love you Momma.”

M: “What does love feel like inside your  body?”

F: “It feels like music. It makes me want to dance and sing.”

*******

M: “What is love?”

A: “Love is when you love. Like this (smack). A kiss or hug.

F: “Like Loveville.”

M: “What does love feel like in your body?”

A: “It feels like play and cuddle. It makes you REALLY HAPPY!”

Mom: “What?”

Finn: “I come from the land of Loveville.”

I remember listening to her voice blair down the hall of our freshman dorm in college in 1993. She blared out her feminine emotions and struggles loud and clear. And as a girl finding independence and freedom my freshmen year I loved listening to her anger, frustration and overall passion for being a girl lost in becoming a woman defined. My love lost and broken heart would become enraptured by the lyrics of ”Both Hands” and my fist would rise with her “righteous babe” logo as she sang “32 flavors.”  It was the first musician I knew growing up to go “Indie”, sweet, and she was a woman, right on, even better.

Last night I was reminded and empowered by this girl to woman, and woman to now mother.  The song that I’m blaring in the hallways of my home-dorm with two young resident boys across the hall, is the song “Present Infant”.  Here are the lyrics.

“Present Infant”

Lately I’ve been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart
You’d think at my age I’d thought of something better to do
Than making insecurity into a full time job
Making insecurity into an art

And I fear my life will be over
And I will have never lived in unfettered
Always glaring into mirrors
Mad, I don’t look better

But now here is this tiny baby
And they say she looks just like me
And she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
Yes, and I would defend to the ends of the earth
Her perfect right to be, be, be, be

So I’m beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I’ve got myself a new mantra
It says don’t forget to have a good time
Don’t let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace

Love is all over the place
There’s nothing wrong with your face
Love is all over the place
There’s nothing wrong with your face